Mini Tales Of pure Crack
by CallMehTehOdd1
Summary: These are the collection of highness TehOdd1 has come up with. Devil May Cry awsomness - 1, 2, 3 and 4. READ AT OWN RISK. OOCNESS GALORE. LAUGHING GAS PROVIDED.
1. Kyrie DIES! YESH!

**GAHAHAHA. HIGH.**

**TehOdd1 xoox**

One day in the land of Fortuna, Kyrie died because she's a winging, whiny loser, D.I.D (Damsel In Distress) and everyone was sick of having to save her, from the toilet monsters and demons alike. Nero was devestated. He cried his little black heart out all over the floor, being emo, and then Dante ran past and fell over it, smashing his head on a near by table and dieing almost instantly. Only after he said : "Nero..." *heavy breathing* "I am....Your...God mother." And then he carked it. Nero decided to jump off that massive bridge in the middle of that snow storm, because the fan girls and boys alike wanted to bang his emo self. The End.


	2. Teh Lishp

**GAHAHAHA. HIGH.**

**TehOdd1 xoox**

Arkham was watching the sweating men clean up after what could only be described as one of the most orgasmic things he'd ever seen in his life.

"I had no idea how good they smelt when they sweat...Nero is totally bendable...And Vergil with no shirt on...*drools*...*nosebleeds*...But then again now would be a good time to strike..." Arkham began cursing at a bird that just shat on him, trying not to draw attention to himself. He coolly jumped off the roof then fell over.

Vergil's hand brushed Nero's arse by 'accident', then tripped and kissed his toe.

"You cry like a little girl." Vergil muttered through mouthfulls of toe-jam.

Nero sobbed, threw himself on the floor (half on top of the elder Sparda), kicked and screamed, beating his hands into the floor.

"NO I DON'T NO I DON'T NO I DON'T NO I DON'T!"

"I find it very...sensual..."

"REALLY?!" Nero sobbed in a squeaky, totally pubescent voice. "DO YOU REALLY THINK SO!?!?!"

"Yeth." Vergil said with a hissing lisp. "Thenthual. I could thertainly go you again, my thweet."

Vergil crawled over to the mat they had begun their tango on, and dragged Nero on it, picking up the spiny thing that told them how to move, and whispered "It'th _very_ thexual, Nero..."

And Nero turned his head, and began to say something:

SPLAY! Oops, I pressed the wrong button....

SPLAT!

Arkham fell off the roof of TEMINIGRU and squished Nero.

"NOOOOOO (x 38 O's) OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" said Vergil lamely, in a very flat voice, falling to his nees. I spely 'knees' with no 'k', did you notice????

**ELSEWHERE**

"Lady, do you feel strange?"

"No, not really. Although you did just impale your nostril on a shoe horn, I suppose that might feel weird, but people in Africa stretch their noses all the time, so I sp'ose it's not unusuall..."

"OK then" Dante ended off having very sexual sex with the phone, the person on the other end was enjoying it almost as much as he was....THE OLD CAT LADY OUT OF THE SIMPSONS!! GAH!

There IS a lesson to be learnt here....Don't share Puck buddies...As in, the hocky puck buddy...because they all bleeded and got aids and Nero is flat...

**BUT IN THE MEANTIME...:!!**

"Don't worry Nero, you can barely notithe it."

"Don't bullshit me, Vergil, I'm flat as a pancake!"

"Nonscence." grunted Vergil pumping the objet harder and harder.

He was currently trying to pump Nero up with a bike pump, that was located up his nose.

"You're such a dumbass."

"Do you want me to help you or not? Yeth or no?"

"Yeah, 'course. How else are we gunna play Twister?"

"The THUT! UP! THUPID!"


	3. Advertising

**GAHAHAHA. HIGH.**

**TehOdd1 xoox**

Vergil blinked at his brother. Dante was currently facing away from him, in a pink tutu, ass wiggling in the air as he pointed at various demons all over the arena. He had set this up as a trap, but now Dante was seeming to enjoy it.

And now Dante was currently molesting a demon to the face.

_Oooookaaaayy...._

The demon retreated to a corner, and Vergil picked it up and cooed at it, in a creepy way because, honestly, Vergil Sparda was not the kind of person to coo to things, and was out of practise, but for the sake of this fic he WILL BE COOOING. Coo, damn you!

Vergil spun Dante around and pahed him to please all the twincest diggers out there, but to redeem himself in TehOdd1's eyes, punches Dante in the gut.

Dante makes a funny noise, and Vergil giggles, yes GIGGLES, because that's something Vergil just wouldn't do, standing there and doing nothing but giggle whilst Dante recoups on the floor. And then Dante farted, because thye author thinks that farts are still funny at her age, and decides that a huge gust of wind tears Dante's tutu off and sweeps Vergil onto his ass, with the tutu hanging off his head in a very lopsided manner.

So Vergil cocked an eyebrow at the narrorator, and the narrorator picked up a harpoon and started waving it around. Verbally, of course, 'cuz narrorators don't do much else then sit here and be bored out of their skulls whilst the characters have lots of fun. Which is really all their fault, 'cuz, let's face it, the author and the narrorator are often the same person, so we have no one to blame but OURSELVES.

Revolution. OhEmGee.

Vergil and Dante tried to run away but a giant billboard advertising something stupid fell ontop of them, and they were stuck.

"Oh no." said Vergil, whilst Dante said "Oh noes."

The narrorator giggles a litte, because she can just imagine the two of them, trapped under something as stupid as a billboard advertising something stupid - let's say Mcdonalds, 'cuz there are so many ads for pissa in the DMC universe that Maccas feels abandoned and emo - So the boys are trapped, even though they're half demons and could possibly laser beam the advertising for Maccas to death and beyond with their half demon powers.

Speaking of asvertising... xXxzeldaxXx pops up next to CallMehTehOdd1, and nodds vigorusly, adding that the only way the narrorator's will ever get any action is if they're in the story. So, because xXxzeldaxXx is awsome and smexual and everything, she teleports and lands on top of where Vergil is squished but still lookin' sexy as all hell, and he wrapps his arms around her.

He might've been trying to strangle her, but hey, who knows? It's Vergil, no one knows squat about Vergil, 'cus he's workin' the emo look.

CallMehTehOdd1 lands on Dante and they play strip monopoly, purely because making Dante strip is something CallMehTehOdd1 enjoys doing.

So half naked, Vergil jumps off a building with xXxzeldaxXx in his embrace because they are going to have baby-licious baibiess together and live happily ever after, and Dante is nude (hehee, I like that word) and then TehOdd1 and him have a round of very steamy, hot, saucy, kinky, sweaty, smexual, A-grade, porn worthy, game of Uno.

Hehehehe. Cop that boys. XD


	4. Simple

Boobies.


	5. Lets just Tease Kyrie, It's fun

"_Vergil was walking the streets, brooding sexily, as always, until he heard someone, obviously female, screaming for help. Curious by nature, Vergil followed the screams, not in any hurry to save the woman at all, until he found her._

"_Oh, thank Sparda, my name is Kyrie and I got lost because I'm pathetic!" she cried, clutching the front of his immaculate coat. "Please, save me, oh sexy man whore, because I'm pathetic and I don't know how to take care of myself without Nero- but you have prettier hair!" Vergil looked down his nose at the woman, then pushed her away._

"_No." was all he said. _

_Then he turned around, and walked away smoothly, as Kyrie got eaten by a fat Vampire with both body odour and facial hair problems. Mind you, she didn't die from lack of blood or anything, he just gave her such bad hair-to-face rash she carked it. _

_She, of course, couldv'e out ran him, much like she could've out ran the OLD WITHERING MAN that tried to kill her the last time. Or the STUTTERING NERD BOY WONDER, who she'd only ever have to say something sultry to and make him jizz to get away from. Can you imagine the conversation?_

**Agnus: C-C-C-Come with me, child.**

**Kyrie: Oh, baby, I'll come anywhere you want.**

**Agnus: *jizz* *lays defeated, on the floor***

_Or it could be a little more sexy..._

**Agnus: C-C-C-Come with me, child.**

**Kyrie, doned in nothing but those boots she wears, that black lacy thing she wore in the start where she sang, and the necklace Nero gave her, turns with a flick of her hair-**

**Agnus: *jizz* *Twitches on the floor, defeated***

_Or even slighting scary..._

**Agnus: C-C-C-Come with me, chi- **

**Kyrie, riding Tomas the Tank engine completely naked, save for the live, twitching dolphin slung over her shoulder, skids into veiw, preforms some kind of geek dance-**

**Agnus: *jizz***

**-Pulls out a tube of clear glue-**

**Agnus: *jizz***

**-Rubs her knees in a tempting way, pouting at him-**

**Agnus: *jizz***

**-Stroking the poor, dehydrated dolphin around the blow hole, asking why is it called a 'Blow' 'Hole'?-**

**Agnus: *jizz***

**-Licks a lemon quater and does that cat's arse face-**

**Agnus:*jizz***

**-Does some skipping-**

**Agnus:*jizz***

**-Slow mo' sexy dance around a conveniently placed stripper pole-**

**Agnus: *jizz***

**-And then the fat chick said to the skinny chick...Oh, wait, wrong conversation...-**

**Agnus: *jizz* *jizz* *jizz* **

**KA-BOOM-EH!**

**And dead...**

_But, instead, as Kyrie is prone to doing, sat there and screamed for Nero to save her._

_Little did she know that Nero had actually gotten a life, and was currently banging 'Gloria'. In the knee. Oh yeah, he found a way._

_Vergil continued to walk, looking like he was on a cat walk,on the cat walk yeah, he shook his little tush on the cat walk, until he found Dante. Dante had no pants on. Just his chaps._

"_Dante, you dingus," Vergil said calmly, "You've forgotten your pants."_

"_SHUT UP! I HATE YOUR MOTHER!" Dante cried, falling to his knees dramatically, as Dante is prone to doing._

_Vergil just kinda blinked. "We have the same mother, Dante."_

"_SHUT UP! I'm NOT adopted!" _

"_No, you insignificant shit under my foot, we're brothers."_

_Dante's eyes got really big. "Really?" _

"_Yes, and because we're brothers, you can fly. Go up to the top of that building, and jump. Flap your arms fast, and you'll fly, Dante."_

"_YAY!" so Dante trotted off, and jumped, and made a mess all over Vergil's favourite pair of shoes._

_Vergil cried. The End_."


	6. Everyone Has one, Why not Dante?

**Wow I haven't been here for ages. Anywho, I'd like to point out, yes, I love Dante, Lady, Vergil and Trish, but pick on them any way. The fact that Nero and Kyrie are easy targets hasn't got anything to do with it.**

**XD.**

**Have fun, chickens.**

**TehOdd1 xoox**

"I like to fuck, every day, every way," Dante sang that stupid song that TehOdd1 finds rather disturbing. Especially when her ten year old brother sings the less hardcore version: _"I like to bang_."

Lady turned around with a floral shower cap on, because really, that's about as floral as Lady gets, and gave him her best stink eye.

"When you can, Dante."

Dante continued to bob his head and sing to himself, even going as far as blatantly not looking at Lady when she spoke to him.

"Dante. I'm insulting your manwhoring ways."

Dante was clearly ignoring her. She couldn't figure out if she knew this because he was performing a closed eye air guitar solo, or if it was the fact that he had grown a mammoth long moustache and couldn't see over it anyway.

"Dante, you smell like rotting cheese."

Ignored.

"Dante is like a bike helmet, greats for emergencies, otherwise, just looks stupid."

Ignored.

"Dante has a non existent penis."

Ignored.

"Dante is like high heels. Easy to walk on, once you get the hang of it."

Ignored, with added drum solo.

"Dante's ass DOES look fat in those pants!"

Ignored.

"Dante is like mascara…Usually runs at the first sign of emotion."

She could've been getting eaten by a friggin' rabid bear for all he knew.

"The next time you ask me if I'm faking I'm going to say 'No, I'm practising'!" she yelled.

He turned, waved, winked, wiggled his nose, and turned back around.

_"If you think he's listening to you, you're wrong. He's trying to convert what you just said into something with a sexual connotation."_ The mantra Lady's mother tattooed on her rib cage drifted through her mind.

Then Lady lost what little patience she had. She threw her shower cap at him.

It cut his eye.

"OW! Jesus, shower cap cut!"

"Oh, damn, I'm sorry!"

"YEAH?" said Dante, pulling out his i-pod from his ears and hands away from his face. Blood squirted out between his fingers, and Agni and Rudra went: EWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

"Oh, ow, they hurt." Lady amended, and since TehOdd1 wrote this story a little while ago, she can't remember if Lady was in the shower or just wearing a shower-cap, so she decides she's in a paddling pool with a toe fungus the size of a midget on her inner thigh, and clothed.

Ew.

(I would like to point out I had a rockstar. Like, a drink, not an actual singer or anything. I'm far too sexy for them to handle.)

"GAH!"

"Sorry!"

"Sorry is not going to mend my BLOODY EYE!"


End file.
